I feel like I have no say over my life.. I feel completely not in control.. I have to move back into my parents house after being on my own and living my own lifestyle for the past 3 years.. Its so hard to do that.. I am a completely different shape and I feel like I am being forced to fit into this old mold that I do not resemble any more.. And I can not fit.. Not one bit.. I do not feel good about this.. I really have not enjoyed it..
Ok I have enjoyed being with my family because they are so great and so important in my life.. But we are all different people.. I am COMPLETELY different than when I lived here last, and they have changed too.. We clash.. Constantly!.. I like to live my life so different from how they are living theirs.. And that’s ok.. No one is wrong or right (even though I preach that I am always right), we are just different.. I like to be clean, neat, organized.. I like to do things a certain way, eat a certain way, live a certain way.. They are not like that.. But we are all surviving, just in different ways.. I have overcome the fact that I can not change them or their habits.. And that’s ok because it is not my place or my right to change anyone.. I probably need changing more than anyone so it would be wrong to impose my values and beliefs and ways of life onto someone else.. My parents raised me and they did such a great job, so how they live can’t really be all that bad.. But I am past that fact..
Now I am stuck on the fact that I want to feel comfortable living here.. I want things in my room a certain way, and I want things to work out a particular way.. I figured that if I can not change the entire household, then I would just focus on the things I can “control”; ie: my habits and my room.. But alas, life has a different way of working out.. My shelf unit is too big for my room- that didn’t work out like I wanted it to.. I can not hook up my computer to any of the printers- that also is not working out the way I wanted it to.. My room is my only space, it is my safe-haven.. I just wanted things my way in here..
But I guess that is what life is all about.. We can’t always, or even we rarely, get things to work out according to OUR plan.. Everything is in accordance to God’s plan.. Maybe I am supposed to go through these trials in order to make me realize that I can not change everything and mold it to my specifications.. Life is not like that and I need to realize that quickly or else the world will eat me alive.. Maybe I can’t change the world the way I want it to, but I need to work with the external factors prohibiting me and do my best anyways.. I need to roll with the obstacles that stand in my way and know that there is always going to be a way out and everything is going to turn out fine.. It might not be the way I want it to, but it is going to be fine.. I am trying to control too much and I just cant.. And ultimately it is not up to me to control everything.. It is up to me to trust in God’s plan and work with Him instead of against Him.. I need to stop trying to reshape the mold in order to fit in it.. I am a different shape and I am working with a completely foreign mold, but who says I need to FIT IN IT.. Maybe I just need to recognize it was there and make my own mold.. Who do I want to become? What is the person I want to be, right now? I need to recognize the mold that God has given to me and rework myself according to His will..
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